Wednesday, 4 January 2012

Ico: You're Digging Holes

Dan Quayle was attributed to having said: "[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system.". And that was the dumbest thing I'd ever read, until Polly said that "Ico" is a worse video game than "Duke Nukem Forever".

Seriously? Seriously?

One of those was a minimalist story of a boy and girl who don't speak the same language, but still try to communicate, co-operate and trust each other. The other is a game where a guy picks up a piece of shit and throws it. There is no set of circumstances where the latter makes for a better, smarter or more emotionally engaging series of events, and yet that is the statement you have made. I have heard more convincing arguments for child rape.

And even talking just from a gameplay perspective, you complained about the controls for the PS2 game... AFTER writing a long rant about how you're incapable of handling dual-analog controls in modern games. So all of those other times it was your fault, but now it isn't? NOW it's Sony's fault? How can someone who isn't Rick Perry suck this much at having an opinion?

"Now, I'm no super feminist by any means (just ask anyone that knows me) but for fuck sakes, could you paint a more weak, helpless, feeble, and demeaning portrait of a woman?"

Yes. Yes you can. Just ask ANY OF THE FEMALE CHARACTERS IN A DUKE NUKEM GAME. Telling me that Yorda is a pitiful excuse for a woman in a video game, and then praising Duke Nukem Forever? That's like thanking a volcano for preventing fires. It's like giving Tila Tequila an award for "Fewest Shrieking Ant Colonies In A Human Vagina".

Cervical cancer is more empowering to women than Duke Nukem Forever.

I'd prefer this site to be more than just Roger Ebert quotes, but I feel this one is warranted:

"There is a point when a personal opinion shades off into an error of fact. When you say The Valachi Papers is a better film than The Godfather, you are wrong."

Polly, I know me and your site had a bad falling out, but I don't think you're dumb. Far from it. That's why that part of your article was such a shock. There is nothing else on your website that slaps your audience, or common sense with an open palm like that. I say all of this because I'm concerned.

You really have to fix that gas-leak where you live.



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