Wednesday, 19 July 2017

Transformers: The Last Supper

A dinner date with Michael Bay:

The main course is a tiny nibble of broccoli. After that comes dessert. Four hours of him stuffing his face with pastries and chocolate bars. Just a swath of culinary destruction, chunks flying in every direction. In little flashes between consuming entire worlds, he actually says some interesting things that make you wish he would calm down, chew and elaborate. Or at least savor the meal, instead of becoming a black hole from which no sugar can escape.

You look at your watch, and 3 hours have passed. You check your watch again, and you've aged 50 years. Time gives up in his presence. You check your watch a third time, and it's only been five minutes since he said something vaguely racist.

After ogling the waitresses' breasts for a terrifying amount of time, he washes it all down by chugging Mountain Dew and Bud Light until he barfs.

So umm... "Transformers: The Last Knight" is a movie.



Friday, 14 July 2017

Final Fantasy XV: Ardyn Izunia

Final Fantasy XV marks the first time in that franchise where I still don't know what the villain's plans were. It's easy to make fun of the antagonists in JRPGs for having goals that seem stupid or nonsensical. But I could not for the life of me tell you what the Big Bad was even trying to accomplish. I couldn't tell you if he was even close to accomplishing his goals, even during the final boss fight.

Did I miss something? The game is enormous, but most of it is roaming the country picking fights with beasts and driving around in a car. There are long stretches between story points, so I don't blame anyone else if they forget plot-critical details. But there are times where it seems like even the devs forgot about the game's antagonists too.

He's a snappy dresser, and thus concludes all of my knowledge on this character.

They're prominent in the trailers, and an early scene introduces them. So conventional wisdom would suggest that we'd fight them one at a time, and learn more about their motives and stuff as we'd get closer to the end and to the final boss. But almost all of them disappear from the game almost as soon as they're introduced. I think maybe you fight a mutated evil Emperor later, like he was turned into a monster? I don't know. You hear his voice over a fight against a random mook enemy. That could have just been a fuck-up with the closed-captions.

There's a Sephiroth-looking guy(because it's Final Fantasy, and of course there is) that's established about halfway through. The cutscene makes a big point of how much stronger he is than you are, so I figured would become an important antagonist. 60 hours later, you find his corpse in a location where he really had no reason to be in terms of the plot.

Does anyone else get the feeling this game went through some re-writes during it's decade-long production?

Also, at some point there were plans for the main villain to be named "Safay Roth". So there's THAT...



Saturday, 1 July 2017

150 Years

I've never lived anywhere else besides Canada. The closest I've ever come to leaving the country was a trip to Niagara Falls in 2005. Nothing against other places, I've just never been anywhere else. Also, a fear of dying in a plane crash puts a damper on any travel plans.

I'm sure there are things that could be improved about Canada. But all things considered, I'm fairly comfortable living here.

Happy Canada Day! I don't give a shit how many flags you have, that's not the metric by which you must be judged.



Friday, 30 June 2017

E3 2017

It occurred to me that Nintendo has a huge advantage during every E3, just due to nostalgia. All they really have to do to "win" an E3 is to announce games in franchises we recognize. Sony and Microsoft have a huge uphill battle, simply due to their properties not having been around as long. Announcing a new "Halo" or "Uncharted" will make some people happy, but not to the insane amount that happen when Nintendo goes up on stage and says the words "Zelda" or "Metroid".

Which might be why simply acknowledging the existence of a Metroid Prime 4 is more intriguing to me than something like "Anthem". It's not that it looks bad, it's just... I've never played Anthem. Well, I've played Destiny and Mass Effect, and it looks like it's just those two things combined. But I don't know who any of the characters in that game are. Even the trailer for Beyond Good and Evil 2 uses an all-new cast. Whereas a new Mario is like seeing an old buddy again, and I have to admit that does bias me toward the big N.

I'm just surprised it took me this long to realize it. This could explain why I got a big kick out of the Super Mario Odyssey trailer, as opposed to the cautious optimism I employed to just about everything else that was shown.

I'm sure you can deduce from this post which games I'm looking forward to. All things considered, at least I can't point to any one showing as being a laughingstock. That's bad news for memes, but if it means we get better games, then that's a sacrifice I can live with.



Tuesday, 27 June 2017

Final Fantasy XV: First Impressions

Final Fantasy XV is a game I've been playing lately, which is something I thought I would be saying 9 or 10 years ago, or never. Back when it was announced as "Final Fantasy Versus XIII". For reference, George W. Bush was still the president of the united states when this game was announced. Then we went  through the ENTIRE Obama administration, in the time it took for this game to be developed and then released.

That's a long fucking time to be working on and funding a video game. Like "The Last Guardian", it was one of those "vaporware" projects that became a running joke about how it would never be released. Both games came out in 2016. Both of those games now exist in a finished state and are in my house, and I still don't quite have the words to describe what that feels like. It's as surreal as if Half-Life 3 got a trailer and was announced for release in october this year. Even if I saw it on store shelves, my brain would still resist it. It can't be real. It's been the Not Real thing for so long. Surely this must be some mistake.

But it's there. It's real. I'm about 40 hours into it. I don't remember a whole lot, most of the characters are pretty unmemorable, and the game is too in love with open-world game concepts, without working to mitigate the more annoying aspects of those games(such as vast, empty spaces of no engaging content, and too-long trips back and forth between areas to cash in on finished quests.)

But I don't hate it. I want to play more. If nothing else, it FEELS like Final Fantasy, even if through a very warped modern lense. If nothing else, I'm glad Final Fantasy games really try to experiment with the brand.

That said, fuck whoever thought there should be a fishing mini-game. Fuck everything about that. Those are the Water Levels of mini-games.



Sunday, 18 June 2017


I saw "Logan". It was everything I expected it to be. Some days I think that's a bad thing, other days I think it's the best thing.

I imagine it's the kind of movie that's going to be become more relevant to me as I get older and my health fails. Even if it takes longer than I thought it would.

I wish I liked it more. I'm not sure why I don't LOVE it, because I think it deserves it. The problem must be with me. Maybe my expectations were too high. Maybe it was hyped up too much by those who saw it before me.

Or maybe it just hasn't quite sunk in yet.



Thursday, 8 June 2017

What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

They're making another Bubsy game. 

No more Castlevania, Silent Hill, Metroid or Mega Man, and definitely no Half-Life 3. But Bubsy gets another shot.

That's the world we live in.