Character Showcase: "Glenn"

For me, "Glenn" was the heart of The Walking Dead.  Not Rick.  Not Darryl. Not Corral Coral Corrin Krull  Katojin  Quetzlcoatl Carl.

Glenn.  Incorruptible, intelligent, dependable Glenn.  Affected by the carnage and ruin around him, but not ruined himself.  Physically young, but wiser than some two or three times his age.  Sensitive, and on occasion smarmy.  Focused and certain in situations where bigger, stronger characters struggle with what's right or wrong.  Hard to ignore.  Easy to take for granted.  More concerned with what's right than what he can get out of a situation, but what's right includes the people closest to him. Devoted not just to the idea of survival, but surviving the right way.


Not the kind of person people write stories about in zombie apocalypse scenarios.  Too often we're subjected to someone the author thinks is "badass".  Give them a signature weapon.  That'll make up for the lack of personality or a character arc.  Maybe give their stupid weapon a name, and thus more character than the person wielding it.


Give Rick the magnum.  Give Darryl the crossbow.  Give Michonne the katana.


What is Glenn's signature weapon? Who fucking cares, that's what.  His identity isn't dependent on a stupid surrogate penis.


MORE BELOW THE BREAK

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The Walking Dead And Buried

If a television show is at least decent, but I don't like any of the characters, I'm less likely to watch it.

If a television show is bad, but I really like one or more of the characters, I might watch it.

If a television show kills off the only character I liked AND devotes itself to being brainless, godawful dreck, I write bitter articles about it, apparently.

There is nothing left for me in The Walking Dead. I've given it a chance in video games, in comics and on television, and in all three cases it quickly deteriorated my will to live. Not just because of the death and misery it gets off to, but because of how smugly self-assured this franchise is that it's Saying Something Important, or that it's smart and compelling drama.

Usually about five seconds before turning into a dumpster fire.

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...Things Of 2015: Part 1

How does it just get worse every year?

HOW???

This is the first time I couldn't even think of 10 good things. Just 2 great things, 3 okay things and a bunch of problematic shit. Literally one of the only good things to come out of 2015 was that a nice lady took me to see a movie with dinosaurs in it. It took until May of 2016 to come up with even that much to say.

I promise the second-half of this article will be more positive, but yeesh. I'm not sure how any of us survived 2015.

10. JURASSIC WORLD(???)

...Maybe? I think it was okay...

I dunno, I was pretty sick when I watched it. So I don't know if I actually liked it, or if I hallucinated a better movie.

I do remember a T-Rex and a raptor teaming up to fight a Super Dinosaur though. It was basically the "Bigger Jaws" scene from Family Guy but played straight. Maybe I just don't ask for a lot in a movie about dinosaurs.

MORE BELOW THE BREAK:


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The Walking Dead: "No Way Out"

I don't talk about individual episodes of tv shows here.  Hell, I don't really talk about much of anything here anymore.  But I really need to get this off of my chest.  I know I'm not breaking new ground by saying this, but the latest episode of The Walking Dead was really, really dumb.

Needless to say, there are spoilers ahead. But I honestly don't see how I could "ruin" something that already sucks.  I know you might think you understand how stupid this was. But I really need you to appreciate just how much more stupid this was than anyone thought it could be.

This wasn't just bad for a Walking Dead episode. This was such idiotic misery, I'd swear I was watching 2 Broke Girls.

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The Walking Dead: In Harm's Way

Just finished downloading this episode.

Let the heartache begin!

The Walking Dead: "You Killed Kenny!"

Did it ever feel like that scene in "No Time Left" where Kenny "dies" offscreen felt like a cheap placeholder, intentionally vague so they could bring him back later?

Wasn't it a complete non-event when, oh look, he's magically still alive in Season 2, even though that's literally impossible given his circumstances? And even though the end-of-game tally screen says he was overwhelmed by the horde?


Well, Gavin Hammon admitted that Kenny was canonically dead in Episode 5, until the director intentionally deleted audio files. They literally cheated at their own story just for idiotic fan-service in the next season. That is some BioWare level nonsense.

Boy, what a great feeling! To know that all of the tension is robbed from an entire franchise, now that Telltale Games can just pull a "Death & Return of Superman", and bring back any character the director has a chubby for. That just fills me with confidence.


Remember when Jurassic Park was the worst thing this developer had done?

END OF LINE

~A.H.

2013: Things I Loved PART 2

Continued from yesterday, here is the concluding part of my list of things I loved in 2013:

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2013: Things I Loved PART 1

It's that time again. Well actually it's a couple of months after that time again. Time to make my end-of-year countdown list, of things that convinced me not to shoot myself in the head for another year.

Since the list is wordier this year, it'll be split into 2 parts. You can also check out the list of things I liked last year.

Below the cut is PART 1 of my favourite things of 2013:

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2013

Last year, I vowed I would begin work on my novel "Alone Together". And I have. Got a big chunk of the first draft written down during National Novel Writing Month, which I also completed for the first time this year.

I lost a lot of friends. A lot of people I thought were irreplaceable, vital parts of my life, when I needed them the most.

I saw people like Mike Krahulik and Gail Simone shit all over their audience and get rewarded for it.

The movie, novel, music, game and porn industries practically collapsed, and I say good riddance. Nothing of value has been lost. There was a time when all of those things mattered, and allowed artists to produce meaningful content. That age died along with them, along with justice and mercy.

I lost whatever hope or faith I had in human beings.

Also, Roger Ebert and Nelson Mandela died.

This year marked the turning point when I stopped mourning for the death of humanity, and decided it deserved to die. I'm glad it's dead. I'm glad there's no hope for this ignorant, selfish species.

But Breaking Bad and The Walking Dead were cool tv shows.

Next year I'm gonna try to upgrade my computer to play all of the stuff I bought during the Steam holiday sales.

I still have a few people to draw belated Xmas fanart for.

I made peace one person who I wronged in the past.

I ran into my best friend at a grocery store for the first time in almost ten years.

I'll see you in hell, 2013.

The Walking Dead: "In The Water"

So, Telltale Games just retconned the first season of The Walking Dead. They’re bringing a dead character back to life. But for some reason they’re keeping that stupid plot twist where Vernon magically became evil for no reason. But it’s okay, because the worst, most insufferable character from the first game is now the main character.

Pre-order now, and the game will periodically inject you with a Mystery Disease!


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The Walking Dead Game: Season 2 Trailer

I never liked "Clementine" from The Walking Dead game. She's the central focus, and the relationship between her and Lee is what the entire first season is built around, and I think that's part of why it goes right down the toilet by the end. I just bonded so much more with the other characters, but the game assumes I care more about Clementine. Even though Duck and Ben felt like more honest portrayals of young survivors. I wanted to protect those two. They felt real to me.

So finding out that we're going to play as Clementine in season 2 does not fill me with confidence. I'm not surprised, just disappointed. Seven new, interesting characters were introduced in "400 Days", but nope. Let's just go with Elmo. Okay.

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The Walking Dead: FIXED

The main theme of The Walking Dead franchise is hope in the face of futility. It is not fatalism. It is not "everything sucks and it's not worth living anymore". It means that no matter how awful it gets, no matter how many times you find your daughters decapitated in a prison barber shop, or see your husband beaten to death with a baseball bat, you keep going.

Kenny says as much in Episode 5... two minutes before killing himself in a stupid and contrived gesture where he had plenty of time to escape. This is why The Walking Dead by Telltale Games is a failure. It talks the talk, but it does not walk the walk.

Fortunately, I have gone to great lengths to fix the ending of TWD. Please, hold your applause:

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The Walking Dead: 400 Days

I think I've figured out what's wrong with "The Walking Dead" game by Telltale Games. I realized this as I was playing through the DLC, "400 Days", which acts as a bridge between the first five episodes released so far, and the upcoming second season.

Yes, there will be spoilers.


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Favourite Things of 2012

2012 somehow managed to suck harder than the previous three years. I don't know how life just keeps getting gradually worse every day. I don't know what is wrong with the planet I live on, but I'm sick of it. I'm honestly surprised I was able to think of 10 things this year that didn't make me want to throttle someone.

Whatever, here's the 10 least terrible things I can remember from last year:

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2012 Blacklist

Before I announce my Fave Things of 2012 list, here now are several things that would have been my favourite of the year, if they didn't fuck up spectacularly in some way. Here are the things that I have disqualified.

Here is this year's Blacklist:

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The Walking Dead: Episode 5

Geez, could one thing this year NOT have a disappointing, nonsensical ending?

SPOILERS BELOW:

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