Character Showcase: "Glenn"

For me, "Glenn" was the heart of The Walking Dead.  Not Rick.  Not Darryl. Not Corral Coral Corrin Krull  Katojin  Quetzlcoatl Carl.

Glenn.  Incorruptible, intelligent, dependable Glenn.  Affected by the carnage and ruin around him, but not ruined himself.  Physically young, but wiser than some two or three times his age.  Sensitive, and on occasion smarmy.  Focused and certain in situations where bigger, stronger characters struggle with what's right or wrong.  Hard to ignore.  Easy to take for granted.  More concerned with what's right than what he can get out of a situation, but what's right includes the people closest to him. Devoted not just to the idea of survival, but surviving the right way.


Not the kind of person people write stories about in zombie apocalypse scenarios.  Too often we're subjected to someone the author thinks is "badass".  Give them a signature weapon.  That'll make up for the lack of personality or a character arc.  Maybe give their stupid weapon a name, and thus more character than the person wielding it.


Give Rick the magnum.  Give Darryl the crossbow.  Give Michonne the katana.


What is Glenn's signature weapon? Who fucking cares, that's what.  His identity isn't dependent on a stupid surrogate penis.


MORE BELOW THE BREAK

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The Walking Dead And Buried

If a television show is at least decent, but I don't like any of the characters, I'm less likely to watch it.

If a television show is bad, but I really like one or more of the characters, I might watch it.

If a television show kills off the only character I liked AND devotes itself to being brainless, godawful dreck, I write bitter articles about it, apparently.

There is nothing left for me in The Walking Dead. I've given it a chance in video games, in comics and on television, and in all three cases it quickly deteriorated my will to live. Not just because of the death and misery it gets off to, but because of how smugly self-assured this franchise is that it's Saying Something Important, or that it's smart and compelling drama.

Usually about five seconds before turning into a dumpster fire.

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The Walking Dead: "No Way Out"

I don't talk about individual episodes of tv shows here.  Hell, I don't really talk about much of anything here anymore.  But I really need to get this off of my chest.  I know I'm not breaking new ground by saying this, but the latest episode of The Walking Dead was really, really dumb.

Needless to say, there are spoilers ahead. But I honestly don't see how I could "ruin" something that already sucks.  I know you might think you understand how stupid this was. But I really need you to appreciate just how much more stupid this was than anyone thought it could be.

This wasn't just bad for a Walking Dead episode. This was such idiotic misery, I'd swear I was watching 2 Broke Girls.

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The Walking Dead: "You Killed Kenny!"

Did it ever feel like that scene in "No Time Left" where Kenny "dies" offscreen felt like a cheap placeholder, intentionally vague so they could bring him back later?

Wasn't it a complete non-event when, oh look, he's magically still alive in Season 2, even though that's literally impossible given his circumstances? And even though the end-of-game tally screen says he was overwhelmed by the horde?


Well, Gavin Hammon admitted that Kenny was canonically dead in Episode 5, until the director intentionally deleted audio files. They literally cheated at their own story just for idiotic fan-service in the next season. That is some BioWare level nonsense.

Boy, what a great feeling! To know that all of the tension is robbed from an entire franchise, now that Telltale Games can just pull a "Death & Return of Superman", and bring back any character the director has a chubby for. That just fills me with confidence.


Remember when Jurassic Park was the worst thing this developer had done?

END OF LINE

~A.H.

The Walking Dead: "In The Water"

So, Telltale Games just retconned the first season of The Walking Dead. They’re bringing a dead character back to life. But for some reason they’re keeping that stupid plot twist where Vernon magically became evil for no reason. But it’s okay, because the worst, most insufferable character from the first game is now the main character.

Pre-order now, and the game will periodically inject you with a Mystery Disease!


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The Walking Dead: FIXED

The main theme of The Walking Dead franchise is hope in the face of futility. It is not fatalism. It is not "everything sucks and it's not worth living anymore". It means that no matter how awful it gets, no matter how many times you find your daughters decapitated in a prison barber shop, or see your husband beaten to death with a baseball bat, you keep going.

Kenny says as much in Episode 5... two minutes before killing himself in a stupid and contrived gesture where he had plenty of time to escape. This is why The Walking Dead by Telltale Games is a failure. It talks the talk, but it does not walk the walk.

Fortunately, I have gone to great lengths to fix the ending of TWD. Please, hold your applause:

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