Wednesday, 5 June 2013

Fail Whale: The Revenge

Look at this steaming bowl of rhinoceros shit. This is what recently showed up in my inbox, courtesy of Twitter Inc. I've had automated messages before. I like to think I know what an e-mail forced out of the rectum of The Machine looks like. There's a certain rhythm and familiarity to an e-mail that has never had any human involvement.

But this? This is the work of a person. A person with an inflated sense of self-importance and a wounded ego. This is the result of someone exerting imagined authority. Look at the passive-aggressive tone, buried under seemingly mature-sounding soft language.

There's a suspicious aroma in the air; the smell of someone trying to quit an argument they're losing. Let's examine those two highlighted parts, shall we?

"Following large number of users in an attempt to attract attention to my own account"...

In other words: THE ENTIRE POINT OF SOCIAL MEDIA WEBSITES! To hear and be heard! That is the entire reason Twitter exists!

Because nobody anywhere ever follows other people and talks to them on Twitter, hoping a few of them might follow and talk back. Nope. I'm the first person to ever do that, apparently. I'm such an asshole.
"Because you have stated that you will stop aggressively following other users...".

The only way to do that would be to click that I "agree" on a page that was basically shaming me for violating contradictory nonsense rules. That's the only way to get your account unsuspended.

I never did that. I did not click on that agreement. I was too busy refuting the insanity that got me kicked out in the first place to ask with hat-in-hand for a second chance.

So now, Twitter is fucking lying to me.

The only way my account could have been re-activated is if someone else did that, because I sure as fuck don't want anything to do with this website anymore. I moved on from the idea of Twitter, I was done arguing with the apes in charge. Even if I'd gotten an apology or any sort of goodwill were earned, it's not worth the trouble. I can't trust the people who run this website, I'm not going to participate. That's why I didn't bother clicking on that agreement; it would be taking blame for using Twitter the way it is encouraged.

Only someone with the ability to re-activate my account without my knowledge could have done that. (I seriously doubt I've been hacked. I'm not important or influential enough to get on someone's shit-list.) Someone was compelled to allow me back into a place I don't want to be inside anymore. The only people with access to that option are working at Twitter Inc.

But why? If I was such a trouble-maker in their eyes, why circumvent their own rules just to let me back in? If you're convinced of a criminal's guilt, do you set him free? None of the correspondence I've received was written with the spirit of forgiveness.

You know what this looks like to me? I think they realized they were full of shit, and that I caught them in it. And instead of fessing up, to save face they're graciously giving me my account back, but on probation. They get to look like the Forgiving, Honorable Good Guys without ever having to take responsibility for a mistake they might have caused. Trying to end the conversation before it makes them look any worse.

In other words: Damage Control. Either that, or they couldn't use the real reason they suspended my account, which means they had something to hide. Some conflict of interest perhaps?

Whatever it is, leave me the fuck out of it. There was a time when I wanted to try out Twitter. I thought it would be a natural fit for me. I don't know if I would have been good at it. Maybe I wouldn't have been some gem among tweeters, some glorious poster-child of what the service could be. Maybe I'd be nothing more than another unpopular, bland person talking about nothing to no one.

I can only guess why Twitter would be afraid of that. In any case, I'm not going to find out. Life is too short for 140 characters.



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