Fave Things Of 2015: Part 2

Part 1 of my list of... things of 2015 can be found here.

Now, onto some of the stuff last year that DIDN'T make me want to commit suicide!

5. Furiosa

Image altered to be less orange.

I wasn't crazy about Mad Max: Fury Road. I think I just got bored with the ceaseless car-chasing. I'm not sure what I was expecting, but eventually it felt like I was watching the same 30 seconds of movie over and over again. It didn't feel like there was any tension, and the title character of the movie is so thinly characterized that they might as well have replaced Tom Hardy with a dog.

But Charlize Theron as Furiosa is all kinds of kick-ass. I think a part of me has been waiting for that character to show up on film for a long time.

MORE BELOW THE BREAK:

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...Things Of 2015: Part 1

How does it just get worse every year?

HOW???

This is the first time I couldn't even think of 10 good things. Just 2 great things, 3 okay things and a bunch of problematic shit. Literally one of the only good things to come out of 2015 was that a nice lady took me to see a movie with dinosaurs in it. It took until May of 2016 to come up with even that much to say.

I promise the second-half of this article will be more positive, but yeesh. I'm not sure how any of us survived 2015.

10. JURASSIC WORLD(???)

...Maybe? I think it was okay...

I dunno, I was pretty sick when I watched it. So I don't know if I actually liked it, or if I hallucinated a better movie.

I do remember a T-Rex and a raptor teaming up to fight a Super Dinosaur though. It was basically the "Bigger Jaws" scene from Family Guy but played straight. Maybe I just don't ask for a lot in a movie about dinosaurs.

MORE BELOW THE BREAK:


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Dark Souls 3: "Soul Of Cinder"

You guys, I just had a really good idea:

The final boss of Dark Souls 3 should have been SOLAIRE. 


You go in expecting Gwyn or some shit, you steel yourself for the final battle, and you walk through the fog gate… and there he is, just sitting by the fire.

You walk up to him, maybe have a friendly chat. Maybe he thinks you look familiar. Maybe you can tell him you’ve met before, in a past life/cycle. Like how you can tell the darkmoon lady that you’re a bird. It can just be to fuck around, or it can be to cement your own headcanon that your character is the same as from the first game. Maybe share some Siegbrau if you have any left. One last toast, especially to those who couldn't make it that far.

And THEN the fight begins.


Same moveset.

Same music. 

Praise the fuckin’ sun. 


I am retroactively pissed they didn’t go with that. Hindsight is 20/20 I guess. I need to go draw that shit…

END OF LINE

~A.H.

Kung Fu Panda 3: "Kai Leng"

Kung Fu Panda 3 is not a great film, but it's satisfying enough a conclusion to the franchise. A "Return of the Jedi", if you will. But there are problems. Relationships that should have been explored are still only after-thoughts(the Furious Five, Shifu, Oogway's motives, etc...) There are characters and setups introduced that seem like they were supposed to have more presence and purpose, but were quickly forgotten about. You know in the trailer where it looks like Po will finally meet a panda love-interest? Yeah, nothing happens there. And not in a way that expresses the love of friendship as being just as valid as romance, I mean that character really should have just been cut from the movie altogether. She doesn't add anything the film needed, and just kind of fades into the background gags by the end.

But the biggest disappointment with Kung Fu Panda 3 is with its' villain: "Kai", played by JK Simmons doing his best George Takei impression. Normally I'd ask why they didn't just get George, but this role would be a waste of his time too.

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it gets worse

I used to do things in the hopes of some day catching the attention of a few specific people. I've wanted to follow others. I wanted a cause. A flag to hoist into battle, or at least heated conversations in a forum. I knew I would never be King of anything. I have no authority over my own life. But assisting others is a noble endeavour, I think.


Now that most of the people I looked up to are dead or turned into complete douchebags, I'm really not sure what to do with myself. Masterless, directionless. Religion didn't work. Humanism didn't pan out. Even the artificial pop trash I once looked to for distraction have left me behind. I am useless and adrift, like the world's shittiest ronin.


Even if I were right about everything, even if I had what it takes to make this world a little better, nobody wants solutions from me. Nobody needs or wants me. So I can't even take this as a sign that I should be leading instead of following, because you can't sell what you can't even give away.


I want to care. I want to help. I want to look forward to anything. I want to be given a chance by the people I think should give me a chance, and not just out of pity or charity. I want to prove that I deserve to be here. I want to feel like I'm actually doing something with some positive results, that is actually noticed and appreciated.


That will never, ever happen. Nothing I do has any affect on any person. I'm a fuckin' ghost. Except when it comes time for people to tell me I'm wrong and an idiot.


I turn 29 this month. 29 years of this poison. Fucking hell. When does it STOP?


END OF LINE

~A.H.

Bloodborne: "Bronze Medal"

Alright, so it turns out it is at least theoretically possible for me to beat vanilla Bloodborne without dying. But throw in the DLC, and any ideas of survivability go completely to shit.

Why do I keep trying to beat one of the Souls games without dying, you might ask?

It keeps my mind off of the election.


END OF LINE

~A.H.

Bloodborne: "Iron Woman"

Two months ago, I tried to beat Dark Souls 2 without dying. I failed several times.

Last month, I tried to beat Dark Souls 1 with as few mandatory deaths as possible(there are parts in the game where it's unavoidable). I failed many times.

This month, I almost beat Bloodborne without dying. I was only 7 bosses away from completing my goal. On my 27th attempt, a random human enemy in the DLC killed me. He staggered me from behind while I was healing. He shot me with this gun, which in this game does little damage but can stun enemies while they're in the middle of an attack animation.

The problem is that this enemy is supposed to have abilities and equipment and attacks that you, the player also have. But you cannot stagger enemies from behind just by shooting them. I've tried. It's not a feature.


Turns out, you can stagger enemies that use the same healing items as you, while they're healing. I learned this the hardest way possible. And this guy was rushing me, so I needed to heal or else his next attack was going to kill me anyway. So it was hopeless.

But then, why did he fire his gun if he was close enough to use his melee weapon?

My point is fuck this game.

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