Thursday, 31 May 2012

Halo 4: "Armour"

I've got a couple of articles on the way that are unusually optimistic(or at least positive-thinking) by my standards. Garrus, the Gamecube, and Phantasy Star Online are all on their way to this blog.

But for now, let's shoot some more fish in a barrel:

"Hi, could you show me the derpiest helmet you have? I'm going into space war tomorrow, and I want to look like a complete idiot... No, that's not hilarious enough... Actually nevermind, you know what? I'll take it and just make some adjustments at home." 

"While I'm here, I should mention I will face futuristic weapons-fire demanding expensive, top-of-the-line armour. I must protect my head, chest, arms and legs... but I want to leave my crotch completely unprotected. I'm on a budget here, and battle-armour tends to chafe. Maybe I can soothe that by painting a target on my taint."

"Yes, I'll let my enemies know whether or not I am circumcised... but only if I get to superglue armour to my butt-cheeks! Because modesty."

"Hey, maybe I can make it into a flap. Like those footy-pajamas. That'd be perfect. Like, I could be doing war, and if nature called I could just yell out: 'TIME-OUT GUYS, I HAVE TO POOP!'"

"Oh man, I look so cool. Almost as cool as Transformers 3. Do you take Discover?"

Now tell me that wasn't a more entertaining/reasonable narrative structure than anything from the Halo games.

Oh, and don't worry gang, the enemies look just as retarded!    

Think of all of the professional artists they hired, only to get these results. That's like hiring a plumber to fix a leak in the basement, and instead he eats your kids. So that when he poops them out, his feces will clog the pipes.

Yes, technically he fixed the leak. But I'm not going to give him a reference.



No comments:

Post a Comment