Thursday, 8 March 2012

Bioshock: "Founding Father"

When I say: "George Washington robot with a machine gun", Did you giggle? Did you think: "Fuck yeah! All it needs is a velociraptor!"? Now what if I told you it was an enemy in the new Bioshock game?

Now what if I told you it looks completely immobile, so that only a complete idiot standing in its line of fire could possibly get hurt?

Now what if I told you that Ken Levine was being compeltely srs-face about this, and is actually marketing this as a "heavy-hitter", "terrifying" opponent? The one who looks like a Simpsons joke and can be defeated/ignored by taking two steps away from its line of sight.

I remind you that this game is NOT a comedy! If this were trying to be funny, it would be a victory.

But it's not. They're not going for parody here. This isn't survival-horror, but it's not far removed. They want you to look at Washington up there and feel the same thing when you first heard the Big Daddy in Bioshock. That's like if "Jaws" gave the shark the voice of Gilbert Gottfried, but they still thought you would be scared instead of laughing your ass off.

"Bioshock Infinite" is supposed be another tale of the breakdown of society and humanity, when people get free reign to do whatever in the name of progress. And yet they put scary music in a happy Pixar sky city while Roosevelt chases you with big, fragile porcelain hands. This is the game whose creator designed a main heroine with big boobs, clothes that show off her big boobs, and allowed cinematic scenes and advertisements that specifically show off her tig ole' bitties...

And then he became disappointed when people noticed the big boobs.

Ken, a grown man, is "disappointed" that people are distracted by the gazongas HE INSISTED ON EVERYONE BEING ABLE TO SEE A WHOLE LOT.

And I say Robot-George Washington is even more retarded than that. This shit belongs in Saints Row more than it belongs in Bioshock.

There is no way this game won't be an embarrassment. Oh it'll sell, people(myself included) favour brand-recognition over quality, but no one will come out of this one looking pretty. Least of all Ken Levine...



No comments:

Post a Comment