I am not well. Not physically, not mentally or emotionally or psychologically or anything. I'm having an identity crisis, I don't know who I am, what I should be or even what the world will allow me to be. All or most of the things I believed in throughout my life have soured and I feel more than a little betrayed my own species. I no longer have the energy to pretend that everything is okay or that I'm hanging on.
I really wish this crappiness didn't hang over my head a few days before the deadline, because there is so much I wanted to do in this round of the Technicolor OCT. It has nothing to do with the deadline either. This is just the paralyzing garbage I've been feeling these last few months.
I'm tired of feeling this way all of the time. And while it would be easy to assume that the medication isn't working, I know it would be a thousand times worse if I stopped taking it. It was so bad I had to go to the hospital before I was on this stuff. Now it's not helping put things in focus or under control. But it's either feeling miserable or feeling suicidal.
I don't know what to do. I feel like life is just prolonging the inevitable now. I don't feel like I have options to make being alive worth something, or to even help someone else's life in some small way. Dreams are for the gifted, the lucky and the wealthy.
I feel like I was supposed to die a long time ago, and I'm just here due to a clerical error. I don't feel like there's anything I can do on this Earth that's beneficial, that doesn't take away from the rest, so it seems like a sick joke that I'm still around. All of the stuff I've learned I feel like I have no practical outlet for sharing. I don't have the influence, the authority or the respect to be a teacher, and I do not have the money, the skill or the determination to create anymore.
At least in my horrific High School years I could fall back on the crush I had on a girl. Now the space in my heart where she used to be is empty too. No matter how much soul-searching I do, no matter what I try to replace it with I'm still empty.
I need help. And I don't know what kind, or where to look. I can't see through this damned fog.