Gears Of War 2

I have been stuck on this one part of Gears of War 2 for an hour. I have had to restart from the last checkpoint well over 15 times. It is a giant, confusing battle where you just explode sometimes, where enemies randomly become invincible and you sometimes have less health than you actually are supposed to have. No matter what weapons you have, you run out of ammo and it's never good enough anyway.

Meanwhile, your dipshit AI companion just sits behind cover not doing anything. No, you just sit tight, Dom. Let me handle the entire fucking game in what was clearly designed to be a co-operative experience. Whatever's most convenient for you. I mean, none of the enemies attack you anyway, so it's not like you matter.

The battle comes in waves. You finish off some, and then there's a pause, and then more enemies just show up... but there are no checkpoints. So when the game cheats to make you lose, you have to do it all over again. I'm surprised they don't just start you off back at the tutorial again.

Sometimes enemies don't spawn when the game tells you to kill a specific number of them. So you just lose. The game just brute forces a GAME OVER screen because it knows it fucked up, and you have to do the whole thing over again, and then fail through no fault of your own.


Oh my fucking god you guys, it is so hard to put into words just how unfair and awful this is. I've beaten Sonic 06, okay? I finished that shit. And that was less broken than Gears of War 2. This game is like fighting that bullshit Silver the Hedgehog boss fight where he can just catch you in an infinite loop without ever actually killing you, but every five minutes. There are parts where the game wants you to do a specific thing, or shoot at a specific part of a monster, and it does not fucking tell you. So you just die over and over again, making no progress at all. It offers no hints or context through any of its' visuals, it's audio or its' gameplay mechanics, and then it acts like you're the one fucking around.


It's as if they designed a campaign and enemy encounters as if you have four human players at all times, and then didn't bother to scale that down or even bother playing the single-player mode. To see if it even works. This is worse than any Halo game I've ever made fun of on this blog. This is the kind of game that deserves a Mr. Plinkett tear-down.


I think Cliffy B owes me an apology for this.


END OF LINE

~A.H.

"Gears Of War 3" Review

by Alex Hill

3.5/5

The original Gears of War was as juvenile as it was artless. It stretched itself thin on gimmicks. It was barely coherent and largely stupid. Its' attempt at characterization resulted mostly in loud and obnoxious stereotypes. Its world was the result of an ugly obsession with polygons, and macho muscle-headed bullshit. The games industry has "borrowed" a lot from this series since E-Day. That childishness is the only thing they've managed to do better than Epic Games. Not even when their CEO openly mocks independent developers at conventions.

And then something curious happened: Every other game wanted to be like it(and to be fair, Halo, and Grand Theft Auto). It was warmly-received by critics and the public. Men and women, despite it's "NO GIRLZ ALLOWED" tone. It even landed the highest honour the Game Developer's Choice Awards can bestow. It was like watching the Best Picture Oscar go to Bad Boyz II. So not only was it successful, this turd was critically acclaimed(by people who I thought knew better). Something about this series turns reasonable men into sluts.