April 26, 2017

I am feeling particularly miserable today. Maybe it's the political shit happening. Maybe it's the fact that Spoiler Warning, one of the last LPs I still watched regularly has collapsed. Shamus Young's blog had a reputation for having a more civil, thoughtful comments section. The comments there got so putrid that pretty much everyone abandoned ship.


If the best-case scenario is total self-destruction, maybe Comments Sections shouldn't be a thing. Feel free to discuss in the comments below The only reason I don't disable mine is because nobody reads or comments on my shit anyway, except for the occasional spam bot.


Yesterday I got through all of the vanilla content in Dark Souls 3 without dying. It did not give me any pleasure, any satisfaction, any clarity or closure or any peace. I had no one to share that victory with. I can't even use the "tree falling in the woods and no one is around to hear it" metaphor, because even a squirrel or a bird would notice if I chopped down a tree. Even if it was a big tree, and I tried many times before to chop it down to no avail.


I don't have anyone I can hang out with. I don't have a lot of money at the moment to buy some new game to provide a momentary distraction. Not a whole lot of options vis-a-vis "comfort food". Not much of an appetite lately anyway. I don't like the dreams I've been having, so I don't look forward to going to sleep. I don't have the energy or willpower to do anything that MIGHT bring me some satisfaction.


I have no centre. And thus, no foundation to build a life or personality off of. I could see myself putting in the effort to be better, to be ANYTHING if there was someone who depended on me, someone I wanted to impress. But everyone is married and busy, and they wouldn't want to be with me anyway.


Things feel pretty fucking grim right now.


END OF LINE

~A.H.