COME BACK, SHANE

I'd be more willing to play Red Dead Redemption, but I hear it kind of peters out at the end.

END OF LINE

~A.H.

Roar of the Earth

"Ico" and "Shadow of the Colossus" are two of the most important video games we have. Chris Suellentrop does a good job of reminding us why.

END OF LINE

~A.H.

Character Showcase: "Zargabaath"

Final Fantasy XII is not an exceptional product by any means. One of the most troubled development cycles in gaming history led to multiple rewrites, delays, shuffling of creative employees and at least one person who was so screwed up by the bureaucratic process that he became violently ill and stepped down from a producer role. It rips off Star Wars with less shame than any other story I've seen, and tries to hide its tracks by making its events as convoluted as possible. 90% of the recorded dialogue is heavy breathing. Its battle-system allowed zero input from the player, but the level grind demands were fucking atrocious. Basically you did nothing, and had to do nothing for a long damn time.

And you spent that time with a bunch of insufferable transvestites. There is one major protagonist who has some small charm, but he's surrounded by shitheads. It's the Left 4 Dead 2 of JRPGs. So hopefully now you can understand why this character showcase is for a minor background presence. Sometimes a character manages to leave a strong impression even when they don't have a lot of lines or even a substantial screen presence.

Waluigi

Of all of the characters fans could have hacked into Super Smash Bros. Brawl, why HIM?

Okay, I guess I shouldn't be surprised. There was a nude patch out for the Boomer in Left 4 Dead before they made one for Zoey. I don't approve of either, but that's not the baffling part to me. I just have a hard time wrapping my head around the order they chose. How can people have priorities that stupid?

END OF LINE

~A.H.

BUY ZELDA GAMES

ROBIN WILLIAMS' BEARD DEMANDS IT

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~A.H.

"Gears Of War 3" Review

by Alex Hill

3.5/5

The original Gears of War was as juvenile as it was artless. It stretched itself thin on gimmicks. It was barely coherent and largely stupid. Its' attempt at characterization resulted mostly in loud and obnoxious stereotypes. Its world was the result of an ugly obsession with polygons, and macho muscle-headed bullshit. The games industry has "borrowed" a lot from this series since E-Day. That childishness is the only thing they've managed to do better than Epic Games. Not even when their CEO openly mocks independent developers at conventions.

And then something curious happened: Every other game wanted to be like it(and to be fair, Halo, and Grand Theft Auto). It was warmly-received by critics and the public. Men and women, despite it's "NO GIRLZ ALLOWED" tone. It even landed the highest honour the Game Developer's Choice Awards can bestow. It was like watching the Best Picture Oscar go to Bad Boyz II. So not only was it successful, this turd was critically acclaimed(by people who I thought knew better). Something about this series turns reasonable men into sluts.

Gamers Opt Out

If companies like EA and Sony want to avoid getting class-action lawsuits thrown at them, maybe they should consider not screwing up on a gargantuan scale to the point where millions of people become victims of identity theft thanks to them. And that maybe they shouldn't hold their games hostage until we relinquish the right to call them out for it.

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~A.H.

Song of Storms

It's not really confirmed. But still, has it seriously taken this long for a new Zelda game to get an orchestra treatment? What was the hold-up? Twilight Princess sounded like it was composed on a Casio for crying out loud.

Also, here is a D'AWW-worthy story about a fan of Double Fine.

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~A.H.

Deus Ex: Human Revolution

Let me tell you about my time with Deus Ex: Human Revolution:

The Hermit Life

I have unexpectedly come into the legal posession of Gears of War 3, Deus Ex: Human Revolution, Red Dead Redemption, Fallout: New Vegas and the first Dragon Age with all of the DLC.

Goodbye human civilization. We had some good times.
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~A.H.