An Open Letter To Doritos

My name is Alex Hill. I live in Canada, and I am here to tell you what a pain in the ass it was to try and contact anyone even vaguely involved in the production of Doritos. I've spent the last hour trying to solve a completely unrelated problem with the Doritos Halo 4 Double XP promotion. That was my intent before the gauntlet. Now I am sitting here hoping your corporate headquarters gets struck by lightning and burns down.

I have been met with nothing but incompetence and frustration with the sorry excuse for customer service this brand employs. Your websites are a Kafkaesque labyrinth of despair and idiocy. Dead ends and non-existent e-mail contacts that I could only find through Google detective work. Nothing on any official web-page regarding this brand revealed information anyone could ever need to take part in this brand's cross-promotion, or even how to contact customer support. Many of these pages assume you are an American citizen and won't allow contact unless you have a U.S. Address.

At first I was just kind of upset that I'd been cheated out of some points in a fantasy video game. Now I'm actually hoping someone at Doritos gets set on fire. That is how badly Frito Lay, Pepsi-Co and everyone else whose fingers are in that pie are at having an internet presence in the 21st century. I don't know what sub-humans are employed in the creation of this product, or its' promotions, but they need to be on fire.

No really. Fire. Screaming painful agony. Maybe it's not a fair thing to wish upon another person, but it would go a long way to making up for the bullshit I just went through.

Eat 10,000 dicks.

-Alex Hill

Hitman Absolution: MCV

How to stay classy: Tell people to "suck a choad" on your company's official Twitter profile when they politely point out that you're ignoring negative reviews of your shitty product.

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~A.H.